The Nigerian Job
Dubanich: “Do you know anything about airplane design?”
Nate: “Yeah, I could give it a shot. You know, you get me a pencil and one of those little rulers.”

Eliot: “What are you gonna do when she finds out you live with your mom.”
Hardison: “Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.”

Parker: “My money’s not in my account. That makes me cry inside, in my special, angry place."

Hardison: “I was just gonna send a thousand porno magazines to his office.”

Eliot: “I like to work out. I try to stay big. I love dressing up like a Klingon and going to all the conventions.”

Parker: “What is it with women and shoes?”
Sophie: “There’s something wrong with you."

Nathan Ford: You know this part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck
nine or ten times? We're comin' up on that pretty quick.

Victor Dubenich: You recognize any of these names?
Nathan Ford: Yeah, I've chased all of them one time or ano - Parker? You have Parker?
Victor Dubenich: Is there somebody better?
Nathan Ford: No. But Parker is insane.
Victor Dubenich: Which is why I need you.
Nathan Ford: [chuckles] No. I'm not a thief.
Victor Dubenich: Thieves I got. What I need is one honest man to watch them.

Alec Hardison: This equipment is total VH1, bro. It's best of the 80s.

Eliot Spencer: You're not as useless as you look.
Alec Hardison: I don't even know what you do.

Parker:  [hangs down from bar overhead] Can I have one?
Alec Hardison: You can have the whole box.
Eliot Spencer: What are you going to do when she finds out you still live with your mom?
Alec Hardison: Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.
Eliot Spencer: You keep telling yourself that.

Parkers Dad: You thought I wouldn't find this? You don't get bunny
until you do what I say. So, be a good girl. Or, I don't know, a better thief.

Nathan Ford: Guys, listen up. We're going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.
Eliot Spencer: Hey, relax. We know what we're doin'.
Nathan Ford: And on the count of five, four...
Alec Hardison: Aw, he doesn't want to be our pal.
Nathan Ford: We're on the count! Five, four, three...
Eliot Spencer: She's gone!
Nathan Ford: Son of a...
Parker: [leaps over side of building] Yee-hooo!
Eliot Spencer: That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!

Parker:  I can't even tell how many guys are in the room, how can you tell who's who?
Nathan Ford: Haircuts, Parker, count the haircuts.
Parker: I would have missed that.
Nathan Ford: What?
Parker: Nothing!

Alec Hardison: Ten-digit password. I salute you, sir.

Nathan Ford: Eliot, what I want you to do is clear the zone
and use Hardison as bait.
Alec Hardison: Bait? Whoa hold up! Hold up! Wait a minute!
I know you ain't talkin' about me, I ain't nobody's bait.

Eliot Spencer: [to Alec, smirking] That's what I do.

Nathan Ford: And I'm the one with a plan. Now, I know you children don't play well
with others but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes.
Nathan Ford: Now, get to the elevator and head down. We're going to the burn scam.

Eliot Spencer: [barely escaping] He tried to kill us!
Parker: More importantly, he didn't pay us!
Eliot Spencer: How is that more important?

Eliot Spencer: I like to work out. I try to stay big.
Cause I-I love dressing up like a Klingon and going to all the conventions.

Alec Hardison: Shouldn't I be playing the computer guy?
Nathan Ford: No, I want you to actually *be* the computer guy.

The Homecoming Job

Hardison: “I just threw up in my mouth a little. I am a professional criminal, and I find that disturbing.”

Sophie: “When men are telling the truth, they look at my breasts. A man really only ever looks a woman in the eye when he’s making the effort to lie to her."

Parker:[trying to spruce up the office] I bought a plant.
Alec Hardison: Nice. Team spirit.
Parker: What does it do?

Alec Hardison: [after stopping their mark from killing the client]
I didn't sign up for any of this. What I did before, nobody got hurt.
Sophie Devereaux: I stole paintings for a living.
Parker: I never hurt anybody.
Eliot Spencer: I actually hurt people, so...

Parker:You ID'ed the weapon from the gunshot sound?
Eliot Spencer: It has a very distinctive sound.

Alec Hardison: You ID'ed a guy off his knife fighting style?
Eliot Spencer: It's a very distinctive style.

Sophie Devereaux: [pretending to be a defense contractor] My company's focused on
meeting Senators, but, um, I'm thinking Congressmen.
Charles Dufort: You know the great thing about Congressmen? 50, 100 grand
well spent will get one elected. But then, once they're in, the incumbency
rate is over 95%! So you can get on an average 18, 20 years use out of one
of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one
of the best investments a corporation can make!
Alec Hardison: [listening in on surveillance] Oh, I just threw up in my
mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.

Alec Hardison: [about Eliot breaking a camera with a rock] I'm sorry it was
too far away for you to punch. I'm sure that really frustrates you.

Alec Hardison: I just realized I need to go back to the office.
Parker: Why?
Alec Hardison: Because I remembered gravity and the squishiness of my manly parts.

The Two Horse Job

Parker: “He’s like Nate. Evil Nate.”

Parker: I once saw a horse kill a clown.

Parker: “Looks like Parker’s gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It’s not rocket science, people.”
Eliot: “Parker, you realize that we can still hear you.”

Nate: “Great job not getting emotionally attached or doing anything stupid.”

Sophie Devereaux: I don't know what comes of chasing the past, you know,?
t: Well, Sophie, sweetie, I don't think you and Nate get to serve me that particular meal.
Sophie Devereaux: Ouch

Aimee Martin: You called him?
Willie Martin: We need him
Aimee Martin: Yeah, no, we don't.
Eliot: I forgot how much I like these Southern welcomes.
Aimee Martin: Eight years, no phone calls, no letters. You don't earn a homecoming parade.
Eliot: How's your husband, Aimee?
Aimee Martin: Gone. Seems I have a weakness for men with one foot out the door.

Alec: O-okay. Hot. Yes. Everybody, y'all want to take over the briefings? Okay, I-I go to a lot of trouble to make these interesting--have a little something visual for the visual learners and sound for  the auditory learners.

Parker: Same thing with a zebra. They bite and they never let go.
Alec: No, no, no, no. Hold up, wait, wait. What about Mister Ed?
Parker: Yeah, a taking animal that no one else can hear. That never ends badly.
Alec: It didn't turn out badly. Wilbur loved Mister Ed. He loved him like a second cousin twice removed.

Nate: We need to find a horse that can run like a champion.
Alec: What about that horse from the other day. Err, Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Eliot: Kentucky Thunder.
Alec: That's what I said.

Jim Sterling: You crossed the line. Nathan Ford is a common criminal.
Nate: Oh. Common? Well, that's just hurtful.

Alec: So, you're not dead. Good.
Parker: Don't be silly. Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.

Jim Sterling: You just think you're above the law.
Nate: Oh, no. I like to think of it as I pick up where the law leaves off.

The Miracle Job

Parker: “That’s St. Nicholas?”
Hardison: “Yeah.”
Parker: “Santa Claus has a church?”
Elliot: “It’s not Santa Claus.”

Hardison: “Did you see me?”
Elliot: “He was injured.”
Hardison: “Well somebody gotta fight the injured. Shoot, that’s my niche.”

Elliot: “So you dropped out of priest school to become an insurance cop and now you’re a leader of a band of thieves. Nice."

Hardison: “No – I’m not denominational. It’s just I never do anything my Nana said, ‘Don’t do.’”

Nate: “Ok, Hardison, could you just make the statue cry without melting St. Nick’s head.”
Parker: “Don’t melt Santa.”
Elliot and Hardison: “It’s not Santa.”

Alec Hardison: You got a number?
Eliot Spencer: Can you do something with that?
Alec Hardison: Seven digits. I can find you on Mars.

Eliot Spencer: [about Hardison's shooting] What, are you ten feet from there? How can you miss that?
You're standing right here.
Alec Hardison: Everybody can't be Eliot.
Eliot Spencer: Unbelievable.
Alec Hardison: Shut up, shut up.

Parker:  It's like Christmas. See, I told you Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus.
Sophie Devereaux: No he's not, Parker.
Parker: Well, who is he, then?
Sophie Devereaux: Saint Nicholas? He's the patron saint of thieves.

The Bank Shot Job

Hardison: “I had to retask 2 satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.”
Parker: “Hey, illegal downloadingis wrong.”

Alec Hardison: [inventing bank robber's demands] Now look, they have a list of demands.
First off they want 12 large pizzas, one cheese, one Hawaiian extra pineapple, 2 pepperoni
black olives, 2 meat lovers. Seriously, nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One Triple-Shot
Half-Caff Moca Latte. Three of the latest copies of Hall & Oates CD. I know right, exciting stuff,
I didn't know they were still coming out with a new one either. Um, we're gonna need some steaks
people and a grill. Okay they need your overalls, I don't know why. We need some Kibbles 'n Bits.
We need a Etch-A-Sketch, someone likes to squiggle. Possibly could we get some stuffed bears...
Are we good? Let's go people.

Eliot Spencer: [to meth dealer] Hey. What smells like crank and screams like a girl?
[kicks his leg; dealer screams] Right answer.

Nathan Ford: [in back of ambulance] This is all very heart warming,
but can we save it until after the morphine drip..

Alec Hardison: Woah, what's going on?

Sherrif Hastings: Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.
Alec Hardison: Stand-It's standard? Where you getting that bull hockey from, son?
Sherrif Hastings: Deputy Arnold. He took a seminar in crisis management last year.
Deputy Arnold: It was an online seminar. We got certificates.
Alec Hardison: Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates.
Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?

The Stork Job

Parker:[about kids in foster care] They're gonna turn out like me.
Alec Hardison: I like how you turned out.

Nathan Ford: What happened to you?
Eliot Spencer: [sporting a split lip and a large shiner on his cheek]
Well, how was I supposed to know it was a lesbian bar?

Anatoly: Where are you from?
Parker: [balking] Where am I from? Oh, where am I *from*. Uh...
Nathan Ford: [in her ear piece] Pittsburgh, Detroit, Atlanta...
Parker: [repeats] Pittsburgh, Detroit, Atlanta...
Nathan Ford: [in her ear piece] Oh, no, no. I meant to pick *one*.

Hardison: “Woah, Woah, Woah. I’m getting a bunch of calls to the police. What the hell is going on down there?
Elliot: “I’ll tell you what’s going on. Parker just stabbed her guy with a fork.”

Parker: Why does an orphanage need armed security?
Hardison: Must be some badass kids.

The Wedding Job

Elliot: “Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?”
Hardison: “Punch somebody!”
Elliot: “Oh, I’m gonna punch somebody.”

Hardison: “Can you break the codes? Nate: “The code? The codes to the Cayman Bank of Trust where the Cali Cartel and the African dictators keep all their dirty money. The ones that Moskone changes anytime he damn well pleases? Come on dude, are you kidding me?
Nate: “You know you’re very negative lately. And the sass, it doesn’t help.”

Maid of Honor: “You don’t think it makes me look fat?
Parker: “Oh definitely. I mean, why do you think I’m letting out the waist? To make you look less skinny?

Nate: “You know I swear, I never understood the lengths people go with these things. I mean the endless, you know the dresses and the endless toasts and the crying. And you know, it’s just it’s unbelievable to me. And everyone has a role to play. And the bride and groom at the end of the day they go home with a big pile of cash. And if you really think about it, the whole thing is just a giant, giant con!”
Sophie: “Well, aren’t you romantic.”

The Butcher of Kiev: “It burns!!”
Elliot: “It’s the lemon juice.”
Nate: “Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?
Eliot Spencer: I don't know. Maybe.

Alec Hardison: The cakemaker of Keiv could whoop all our asses. This is the *butcher*

Eliot Spencer: What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?
Nathan Ford: No! Well, yeah.
Eliot Spencer: Look, hold a knife like this, cuts through an onion.
Hold a knife like this, cuts through, like, eight yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage.

Eliot Spencer: There was a girl I grew up with. But, anyway, she married somebody else, so...
Alec Hardison: Hot damn. What did you do?
Eliot Spencer: What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

Nathan Ford: [ad-libbing the wedding vows] And Maria, you know that when you
look at Adam, he has to know that you've made him a better man, and that he should probably
just give up and agree with you...

The Mile High Job

Sophie:“How did you both know there would be an extra uniform in the bag?”
Nate:“Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectedly.”
Elliot:“Or if something happens to the one that they’re already wearing.”
Sophie:“How does everyone know that?
Nate:“Worked airport security.”
Elliot:“Slept with a flight attendant.”

Parker: In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. But let’s face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.”

Hardison:“Let’s make tactical supply chains sexy again, people. Who’s with me?”

Hardison: “Genetically engineered tomatoes, that’s one thing, but carrot on the cob? That’s gonna scare some people, brother.”

Eliot Spencer: When I knock people out, they tend to stay knocked out.

Parker:  [appears out of nowhere] So what are we waiting for?
Eliot Spencer: How does she do that?
Nathan Ford: I don't even ask anymore.

Parker: Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Flight Attendant: Who are you? Where's Becky?
Parker: She got promoted. Did you not get the email?
Flight Attendant: She got promoted? She only started a few months ago.
Parker: Wow, she must really know how to pick 'em. A few more layovers
and she'll be piloting one of these things, eh?

Cheryl: I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I'm a mage, and we're part of the same guild. But secretly,
he's been working with the Alliance to undermine us.
Alec Hardison: For the Horde!
Cheryl: For the Horde! You play World of Warcraft?
Alec Hardison: You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night.
Now look, I mean, Burning Crusade was great, but this new one is mind-blowing. You just...
Nathan Ford: [over comms] Hardison. You bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

The 12 Step Job

Parker: “It’s like Billy from the ‘Family Circus.’ If Billy was a drunken sex fiend.”

Hardison: “Don’t get mad, but I may have spilled Slushie in your car.”
Elliot: “That’s like forty-four ounces, Hardison.”
Hardison: “It’s not that much.”
Elliot: “The lid is floating in the damn floor board, man.”

Nate: “Listen, I don’t think I need to apologize for drinking. I need to apologize maybe for not drinking. Maybe I’m a bigger bastard sober than I am drunk.”
Marcie: “If this is you sober, hell yeah.”

Elliot: “Did you ever notice how all bad guys know at least one stripper?”
Hardison: “You know at least a hundred so what does that make you?”
Elliot: “I’m a bad guy.”

Hardison: “Woah, woah. I haven’t slept in three days. I had a showdown with two different gangs, who, now by the way, know my face. I sat on a bomb. And all this could’ve been avoided had you gave the man a taco.”

Eliot Spencer: Nice job, blowing out the engine block.
Alec Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.
Eliot Spencer: Give me the gun, Hardison!

The Runway Job

Parker: How about this?
Eliot: That's a shirt, Parker.
Parker: Okay, but at least you can move in it. These clothes are totally impractical, okay? There's no range of motion, limited concealment options, and this reflective material would set off a motion detector a mile away.
Eliot: It's a fashion show! It's not Thieves-R-Us.

Sophie: The last time one of you tried to grift, you wound up kidnapped by Russians.
Eliot: That's this brother right here.
Parker: Hardison.
Alec: Uh, we--we still can't let that go?

Parker:[considering the idea of reindeer games] How would they even keep score?

Sophie: Look, we didn't get along when we first started. Eliot, how long did it take before you trusted me? Hmm? Eliot, you do trust me, don't you.
Eliot: That's not the point, Sophie.

Eliot: I date a lot of models. Lot of private fashion shows, if you know what I mean.
Parker: Yes, yes.
Eliot: But most of the dresses ended up on the ground.
Parker: Yep, I get it. You're a guy.
Eliot: Meaning they were naked.
Parker: Okay, seriously?
Eliot: Yeah... I'm just saying.

Tara: Nate Ford is arrogant, he's condescending, he just doesn't listen.
Sophie: Oh, Nate's having trouble communicating? I'm shocked.

Sophie: Listen to me. Tara Cole is the best. I wouldn't have sent her if I didn't trust her, and I know you're going to love her. So just--just give her a chance.
Eliot: She is hot.
Alec: Very hot.

The Lost Heir Job

Hardison: You do not let Vicki Vale into the Batcave, ever.

Hardison: Man, I hope you got a plan "B" or "F" or something in the first half of the alphabet.

Tara: Look, Blanchard's here at the same time you are. That's a coincidence.
Nate: No, no, we hacked into his online appointment schedule. I mean, yes, what a coincidence.

Tara: I checked you out, Mr. Ford. Half your sources say your a vicious thief. The other half claim you're some kind of high-tech vigilante.
Nate: I like that. I should put that on my card

Nathan: We can’t just keep calling Sophie.
Hardison: Oh, okay, I see how this . . . we can’t call her, but you can go off and have a little secret meeting with her.
Nathan: Secret meeting, what are you talking about, I was in Harrisburg researching a client.
Hardison: Wow, ‘cause you know what, your passport got dinged going through Heathrow Airport yesterday. Heathrow’s in London.
Parker: Hmm.
Hardison: I guess you couldn’t get a direct flight over to Harrisburg.
Eliot: No, it’s hard when you do the same day booking.
Hardison: Yeah, ‘cause you have to go with the . . . Did you know that London is the home of the most surveillance cameras in the world?
Parker: Really?
Hardison: Who feels like playing ‘Where’s Waldo?’
Parker: Oh! (Raises hand)
Hardison: I do.
Parker: Yeah.
Hardison: There’s Waldo right there, Waldo Ford. Oh, oh, is that Big Ben and you? Wow, you got twins and triplets everywhere. And lookie there, 11:18AM standing outside Sophie’s apartment, looking quite pensive.

Hardison (to Nathan and Eliot re Tara): Crusader, incorruptible . . . . (Watches her get out of her car) And one sexy librarian.

Hardison (to Guard Frank): That man was gonna shank me! Over an omelette. Two eggs and a slice of government cheese. Is that what my life is worth?

Blanchard: What was she doing out there?
Nathan: Stealing. She has a meth problem.
Parker (looks at Nathan): I . . . do. I love meth.
Nathan: But she cleans up really nice for a judge, you know? And, oh boy, when she starts crying about how, growing up without a daddy, huh?
Parker: Whoo, yeah! That’s why I love the meth.

Eliot (to Parker after she tasered cop): Seriously, what are you doing?
(Parker shrugs)
Eliot (to Parker when she tasers cop again): Stop!

The Snow Job

Alec Hardison: [just lost Rock-Paper-Scissors to Eliot] How you do that?
Eliot Spencer: You got a tell.
Alec Hardison: I have a tell?
Eliot Spencer: Yeah.
Alec Hardison: In Rock-Paper-Scissors?
Eliot Spencer: Yeah, go.

The Order 23 Job

Parker:  Did you just give that guy a nosebleed with the power of your mind?

Eliot Spencer: Listen to me, son, you need those fingers to type on your little keyboard, don't ya?
Alec Hardison: See, you know, a bully's just a cowboy with low self esteem.

Parker:  And by the way, nurses haven't worn skirts with white stockings since the 70's. Sorry.

Alec Hardison: Let's go over the code.
Eliot Spencer: What code? We're a couple of cops.
Alec Hardison: Unarmed cops. We may need to communicate in code. So look, I'll casually mention Star Trek...
Eliot Spencer: Great, 'cause that comes up a lot.
Alec Hardison: It does!

Eliot Spencer: I don't have a T.V.
Alec Hardison: Everybody has a T.V. Dead people have T.V.s!

Hardison: Calling Dr. Wrath O. Khan.....DR.WRATH O. KHAN!

Parker: Now let me get this straight, you’re a doctor.
Nathan: Yep.
Parker: What if someone asks you to deliver a baby?
Nathan: I’d say I’m not an obstetrician.
Parker: What, a what?
Nathan: A baby doctor.
Parker: Oh. Well, what if there’s a train accident and there’s stretchers everywhere, and someone points to you and says, ‘hey you, help me with a sucking chest wound!’?
Nathan: I would, I would stick my hand in the chest, you know, and hope for the best.
Parker: Oh, you are so not operating on me.

Eliot: I don’t know why we had to bring stupid ass donuts, man. You’re not even ready.
Hardison: I am ready. I am 97.10% ready.

Randall Trent: You want to arrest me, go ahead; I’ll be out in five minutes.
Eliot: I ain’t gonna arrest you. (Dangles him over railing and lifts wallet, lets him down and pulls out driver’s license) Randall Trent, 73 Austin Street. I got my eye on you.

Eliot (as Ted Crichton): This job never gets any easier, does it?
Charlie (screwing on silencer): No, it does not.
Eliot: You picked the wrong day to mess with me, Charlie. (They fight) Come on. (They fight some more; Eliot knocks Charlie out) Punk.

Eliot: Hardison, have you been talking the whole time?
Hardison: I wouldn’ta had to if you hadn’t turned off your dad gummed comm.
Eliot: Rath O. Khan?
Hardison: Man, you see what ideas you come up with when you got no blood flowing to your brain.

The Juror #6 Job

Hardison: ”Would that happen to be the incident on flight 1433
out of Chicago, where you drank seventeen tiny margaritas, you took your
pants off, you stood up on the drink cart and you sang, quote, ‘I’m a
sexy monkey’?”

“What did you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.”

Hardison: “Everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a sky scraper, she’s cool. But making small talk, it’s like pure terror.”

Elliot: “I tell you what. This is not happening, Bubba. You ain’t taking my beer.”

Elliot: “It’s your turn to be in the dumpster.”
Hardison: “Nah, man, I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Do you want to give me mouth to mouth?”

Parker: “I put a razor blade in that apple.”

The First David Job

Nate: “I’m sorry, are we still unclear? I’m a functioning alcoholic. Trick is to not get hung up on the “alcoholic,” really celebrate the “functioning” part of the sentence.”

Parker: Give me three days of prop, it'd be like taking diamonds from the French National Bank. That's like taking candy from a baby.
Alec: Got it.
Parker: A very easy thing to do.
Alec: Got. It.
Parker: (to the David maquette) Oh, look, little buddy. That's your new home!
Alec: Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please.
Parker: I'm not.

Parker:  You want me to break into a secure storage facility with whatever I can scrounge up at the buffet table?
Nathan Ford: Pretty much. Yup.
Parker: Cool.

Sterling's henchman 2: Shouldn't we call the police?
Jim Sterling: You're fired.

Alec Hardison: You did not just think about this on the way in from the van.
Parker: Some people do crosswords.

Hardison: “Can we talk about what just happened.”
Parker: “Weird, huh?”
Hardison: “You could say that.”
Parker: “Nate’s ex-wife coming out of nowhere.”
Hardison: “Yes. No, that’s not –“
Parker: “Chew some gum.”
Hardison: “Was my breath that funky, is that what you’re saying”

Sterling: “That’s the funny thing about con men. They don’t bluff.”

Parker: No, no, no, we can't let your ex-wife anywhere near our little naked man.

Eliot: I'm sorry, your wife gave me her phone number.
Nate: Not wanna talk about it.
Eliot: It was only to coordinate where we're gonna go...
Nate: Not talking about it.

Eliot: Hey, Sterling, I got some dental work with your name on it. What do you say me and you hook up so I can give it to you?

Nate: Is this my intervention? Are my bags packed and in the car, ready to take me to rehab?
Sophie: You don't need rehab, Nate.
(Pause as Eliot steps towards them)
Eliot: You need revenge.

Blackpoole: Are you here to kill me, Nate?
Nate: Not tonight.
Blackpoole: Well, in that case, come in. There's shrimp.
Nate: I do love shrimp.

The Second David Job

Parker: “Who ripped out the toilets”
Hardison: “This was an IRS foreclosure. I got it cheap.”
Elliot: “IRS doesn’t take toilets.”
Hardison: “They do when they’re solid gold. Heard this used to be MC Hammer’s place. Guess you can touch this…with a SWAT team and a federal warrant.”

Jim Sterling: You know your entire plan depended on me being a self-serving utter bastard.
Nathan Ford: Mm, yeah, that's a stretch.

Alec Hardison: Oh, and also, the three guys that actually discovered the tomb. Eliot, what does that say?
Eliot Spencer: It says, "Dead."
Alec Hardison: D-E-D, dead baby.
Eliot Spencer, Nathan Ford: D-E-A-D.
Alec Hardison: I- I know how to- I was throwin' a little style on it. Just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell dead. Damn it, I can steal a bank, I can spell dead.

Maggie Collins: This is confidential. You're not reading my emails, are you?
Alec Hardison: Nah, nah. [under his breath to Nathan] Yes.

Maggie Collins: So nobody else finds it annoying when you nag them in the middle of these things?
Sophie Devereaux: Why don't I run this one, Nate?
Nathan Ford: Yeah, I don't nag. You know, I just have a, you know, clear big-picture view point. And...
Alec Hardison: Actually, you know what, we kinda like the way Sophie ran the last one.
Eliot Spencer: Yeah, yeah. Right up to the point where she got us caught. But other than that, it was great.

Parker: “What’s going on?”
Elliot: “Sophie was just trying to apologize.”
Parker: “Oh she tried that with me earlier. She kinda sucks at it.”
Elliot: “Yeah, she does.”

Maggie: Listen... I want to thank you. I haven't dated a lot since my marriage broke up.
Eliot: I'm sorry to hear that.
Maggie: No, don't be. He was obsessive, perfectionist, controlling.
Nate: Organized! She used to say I was organized. And punctual.
Hardison: Uh-huh.
Eliot: He must have had some good qualities.
Maggie: No, not even in bed.
Parker: Ohhh!
Maggie: Every night was prom night. You know what I mean? But worst of all... he completely forgot that I gave him that same button camera for Christmas three years ago.

Nate: I didn't want you to hate me, Maggie.
Maggie: Why would I hate you?
Nate: I do. If I had ever seen you look at me the way I looked at myself in the mirror, I would've blown my damn brains out.

Nate: And that--that's the plan.
Maggie: You actually expect this to work?
Nate: Um...
Hardison: No, no, you're supposed to say, "Wow, that's just crazy enough to work."
Sophie: Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre machinations.
Parker: That's his superpower.

Maggie: You have to convince the museum director, Dr. Darien Lloyd, to pull it from the display.
Nate: Okay.
Maggie: Nate?
Nate: Hmm?
Maggie: You just can't make somebody do what you want them to do.
Eliot: Ohh.
Alec: Uh, that's--that's what we do. I mean...
Parker: You're adorable.

The Beantown Bailout Job

Hardison: Do you realize, on average, people are caught on security cameras 13 times a day? ATM cameras, traffic cameras. It's crazy man, but we can track 'em. We can. Wha... I lost him in this.

Eliot: "What mob?"
*enter three armed thugs*
Eliot:"Oh... that moliot: "What mob?"

Parker: Who ripped out the toilets?
Alec Hardison: This was an IRS foreclosure. I got it cheap.
Eliot Spencer: IRS doesn't take toilets.
Alec Hardison: They do when they're solid gold. Heard this used to be MC Hammer's place.
I guess you can touch this, with a SWAT team and a federal warrant.

Eliot: She's dressed that way because she's doing a con.
Nathan: What, you though she's dressed as a nun for some reason?
Eliot: She's Parker.
Nathan: Fair enough.

Sophie: You wanna see what he got under his bed?
Eliot: No, I do not...
Sophie: Kinky...

*Parker, on getting her ticket for Sophie's Play*
Parker: Picking up for one.
Ticket guy: Last name?
Parker: Parker.
Ticket guy: First Name?
Parker: No, just one name.

Hardison: You know, I'm sure the reviews will be...
*Sophie shows her phone to Hardison*
Hardison: On the news website already?!
Parker: Really? Wow...
*Parker gets the phone from Sophie*
Parker: never before has a production of the "Sound of Music" made me root for the Nazis.

Nathan: No! Parker! Not that painting! I don't ever want to see that painting anymore!
Parker: [old man voice] Hi! I'm "Old Nate", and I live here too!
Nathan: You can't just break in here and start hanging -
Hardison: Oh, yeah, yeah... For repairs and renovations, you landlord has full access to your dwellings... Its in your lease.
Nathan: What are you doing reading my lease?
Hardison: *smiles* I bought the building.
Nathan: You bought the... you're my landlord?!
Hardison: Yeah!

Parker: I think people are like locks... really complicated and frustrating...but you can't force them. You have to take time and be "fiddly"...
Hardison: "fiddly"?
Parker: you learn to be patient, and just wait until you hear the..
*The lock mechanism clicks and opens*
Parker: We can open every body here with that key...
Hardison: Focus...
Parker: We could, steal everything! Clean them out...
Hardison: Focus!
Parker: I'm just saying...
Hardison: I'm just saying

Alec Hardison: [the team has agreed to split up] Where you going?
Parker: Let's see how hard you look.

Eliot [to Hardison]: Hey, this detonator... If I'm around the corner, is this thing going to be in range?
Hardison: Should be... I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. Sometimes the things just go off.
Eliot: Whoa whoa... wait... hey! you said this thing was safe...
Hardison: Mostly.. mostly safe... I was very specific... Sometimes the frequency gets messed up.
Eliot [now in a panic] : What frequencies man! Huh!? I got these things in my pants!!
Hardison: Like a... garage door opener, car alarm...
*Car alarm is heard nearby; Eliot gets startled*
Parker [to Hardison]: What are the odds that Eliots' crotch will actually explode?
Eliot: Damnit Hardison!

Sophie: So are you leaving?
Eliot: I'm not going anywhere. The man has 700 sports channels.

Sophie to Nate: See you took us and you broke us Parker, what have you been doing?
Parker: I stole the Hope Diamond.
*everyone looks at her*
Parker: Yeah, because I was bored. and then I put it back
Sophie: Hardison what have you been doing?
Hardison: I spent three days hacking the white house e-mail. No rush, nothing interesting oh, but there's some really hinky stuff going on over in Pakistan, let me tell you.
Sophie: Eliot, what have you been doing these past few months?
Eliot: I've been in Pakistan.

Nate: Sophie, how do you catch mob guys?
Sophie: Two glasses of Chianti and a story about my grandma in Sicily.

Sophie: There's nothing you can say that will make me feel better.
Parker: I know what would make you feel better. We should steal something.
Nate: Hmm No, no-
Sophie: Yes. We could do it together.
Elliot: I like this. Get right back up on the bike.
Parker: Bike of crime.

Nate: Now if you'll excuse me, I am gonna go call a professional killer who tried to murder me and arrange to meet him in an isolated location.

The Tap-Out Job

Nate: If you have a body in the trunk of your car, you're gonna drive under the speed limit, aren't you?

Parker: You know, when you're sober, your metaphors get creepier.

"I need guns. six thousand dollars worth... And one of those!(saxaphone) parker said.

"Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-3 NSA security clearance. But I can't hack a hick."

Sophie: How do you peel a pig?

Sophie: You call this a sport?
Eliot: Yeah, this is a sport! These are some of the best conditioned athletes in the world, are you kidding me? It’s about precision, technique, skill . . .
Sophie: Like cockfighting.
Eliot: It’s not a cockfight, all right?

Eliot: These fights are won by inches. I’m telling you. All about leverage.
Sophie: Yeah, it looks really painful.
Hardison (being choked by Parker): It is painful.(She's-killin'-me)

Hardison (to Nathan): I can bend it like Beckham, baby.

Nathan: Well, right now betting against Nebraskans is proving pretty profitable, am I right?
Rucker: Yeah, I guess you are.
Nathan: I’m just sayin’.

Rucker: I can see you’ve had some training.
Eliot (as Kid Jones): Some.
Rucker (to Eliot): Now you, you’re different, you fight like something’s trying to get out of you.

Sophie (to Rucker): And there’s always another fresh faced princess ready to go through the singing-dancing mill in Florida. Occasionally we’ll let one be a lesbian, keeps the press on their toes

Rucker: Why don’t you take on Tank here?
Eliot: I got five seconds to kill out of my day.

Eliot: Forget the fact that we just got beat by Barney Fife, all right. This is the right move, tactically it’s the right move, you all know that.

Hardison: Where’s your Cousin Jimmy now?

Mr. Howorth: You let yourself get hammered like that on purpose, that’s a hell of a lot of punishment to take.
Sophie: That’s what he does.


Hardison: "Eliot, get me everything you can on a Lieutenant Abbot"
"Now the HTTP thing comes before the WWW., right?"
Hardison (rubbing eye):
"And which one's the Forward slash?"
"Oh, come on..."
"It ain't the time, Eliot! It ain't the time!"

Eliot Spencer: You see, it's not that much fun when your hangin' out there in the wind, and there's a dude behind a computer crankin' jokes, is there.
Parker: I like it when we switch jobs. It's exciting.

Alec Hardison: [caught breaking into military installation] I don't know that white woman.
I met her at a bar, she said we was going back to her place. I thought it was a gated community.

Sophie Devereaux: [dramatically] Pack your bags everyone, we're going to make news.
Nathan Ford: She's walking into the closet...

Parker:  We totally went to the moon.
Eliot Spencer: Movie sets. I've seen 'em, they're outside of Albuquerque.
Parker: Why would there still be sets there?
Eliot Spencer: Because, they're going to reuse them for the Mars mission. Re-paint it all red.

Sophie Devereaux: I'm going to be Nate on this one. You know, only nicer.

Hardison: "I'm a black man caught on a military base, I am going to jail FOREVER!"

Nate: No, it's, "Let's go steal a general!" You know, it's a rallying cry. "We need to steal a general." It's a little naggy; it's kinda like, "We need eggs." You know? "We need eggs." "We need eggs!" You know.

The Zanzibar Marketplace Job

Nathan Ford: Eliot, I'm gonna ask you not to do anything violent.
Eliot Spencer: What? What ya talking about? I only use violence as an appropriate response.
Jim Sterling: Hello Nate.
Eliot delivers a right cross....

(Eliot flirts with waitress; Nathan kicks him under table)
Eliot: What?
Nathan: Really?
Eliot: What, I can’t have a friend?
Nathan: Join a softball team.

(Nathan sees Sterling enter bar behind Eliot)
Nathan: Eliot, I’m gonna ask you not to do anything violent.
Eliot: What? What are you talking about? I only use violence as a, as a, as an appropriate response.
Sterling (from behind Eliot): Hello, Nate.
(Eliot gets his crazy angry face on and beats on Sterling)

Tara (watching Eliot beat on Sterling): And this is?
Nathan: James Sterling. We used to work together. Insurance.
Tara: He seems to rub Eliot the wrong way.
Nathan: Ya think?

Parker (to Tara): Maggie’s the most honest person we know, but beside that she’s okay.

Parker: It’s your first time being a fugitive, so I made you a bag.
Maggie (confused): Thank you, Parker.

Parker (holds up two tubes): Toothpaste, explosive; do not mix these up.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker.

Maggie: But you’re clearing my name with thieves. No offense, Parker.
Parker: At what?

Parker: So I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing. Went to the museum, and it was amazing.
Hardison: See?
Parker: Yeah. They have a Guardian PA40 security system. I’ve only seen those things in books. And the motion detectors. Whoo, gorgeous! Six digital receptors. Six!
Hardison: What about the paintings?
Parker: What about the paintings?

Sophie (to Hardison): Shine an ultraviolet light on that card.
(Hardison digs through bag and pulls out an ultraviolet light)
Eliot: Seriously? You have one just laying around?

Nathan: I’m not dating anyone, but good for you, moving on with a thieving kidnapper.
Maggie: Alleged thieving kidnapper.

Parker (to Nathan and Maggie, who are kissing): Excuse me, I just have to grab that bomb.
Maggie: The, uh, elevator stopped.
Nathan: Yeah.

Parker (to Alexander): It’s okay, first bomb is always the hardest.

Maggie: You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.
Nathan: That’s kinda the point.

Parker: Interpol, seriously?
Hardison: Sterling’s career gets another boost off of our hard work.
Tara: We didn’t even get paid.
Hardison: Nope.
Tara: I hate this guy.
Eliot: Now you’re part of the team.

Maggie: He has issues; bankruptcy, political fallout, the whole freaking out when he thought there was a bomb thing. Yeah.
Nathan: Yeah, but I wouldn’t be too tough on him about that. Parker’s right, the first bomb is the hardest.

The Top Hat Job

Parker: I'm so glad I don't live in the real world.

Eliot Spencer: Anybody wanna do my job? Huh? I get punched and kicked.

Alec Hardison: Hey Eliot, what's that blocking your button-cam. Oh right, it's your ego.

Eliot: How long is this gonna take?
Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants so do not take that tone with me!

Parker: Does this hurt?
(Eliot, who's obviously holding an icepack to that arm, glares at her)
Eliot: Yeah.
Parker: How about this?
Nate: Hey, Eliot, what's with that?
Eliot: Man, she keeps poking me!

Hardison: This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.
Nate: How is that relevant?
Parker: Oh, Eric with a C, nice and friendly. Erik with a K, evil.
Sophie: I didn't know that.
Parker: Everybody knows that.

Eliot: Hardison, we got a problem.
Hardison: What kinda problem?
Eliot: They're MRI'ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.
Hardison: You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?!
Eliot: A very distinctive stance!

Hardison (over comms, re receptionist): Her name is Katy. Likes wild horses; dislikes vanilla toothpaste.
Eliot: Please stop talking.

Undercover Security: You know when I said you had pretty hair? I was lying.
Parker: Yeah, well, so was I when I said you didn’t! Wait. Damn it.

Eliot: That’s why I grow my own food.
Sophie: How do you find the time?
Eliot: You make time. I only sleep 90 minutes a day.

Parker: She likes him, really?
Hardison: Oh, yeah, that man is a sexy man beast, right there.

Eliot: What is that, all right, I don’t know what that is.
Parker: Me neither.
Hardison: It’s like State of the Union . . . .
Sophie: What is that?
Nathan: Oh, right, right, no, you guys never had real jobs, yeah.
(Sophie shakes head)
Parker: Never.
Hardison: Of course not, man, come on.

Hardison: Go ahead, put your hand up.
Parker: I don’t want to.
Hardison: Woman!
Parker: I really don’t want to go up there.
Hardison: Do it!
Parker: I hate magic.
Hardison: Take one for the team.
Parker: Okay. (Raises her hand and speaks loudly) Me, me, me, me, pick me!

Hardison: Yeah, Kara, love you! Love you.
Cronos: Silence.
Parker (whispers): Love you, too. (To Cronos) Sorry.
Hardison: Sexy stuff! Go ahead, girl, do what you do!

Sophie: It’s a good job you’re not claustrophobic, Eliot.
Eliot: I was when I was a kid. Take this damn thing. (Hands rabbit off to Nathan)
Nathan: Oh, all right. Here, Parker. (Hands rabbit off to Parker, who hands it off to Hardison)
Parker: Really? How’d you get over it?
Eliot: I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple nights. After that I was fine.
Parker: That is so funny. I was scared of the dark and did exactly the same thing.
(Flashback: to Parker closing herself in a trunk and two other kids burying her in the ground; cut back to Sophie, Eliot and Hardison just staring at her)
Eliot: That’s not the same thing. What’s wrong with you?

(They’ve lost the rabbit)
Eliot: Damn it, Hardison!

Hardison: It’s what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.
Eliot: A man, a phone, no action.
(Parker laughs, Eliot’s grinning)
Eliot: C’mon man, you left that out there like a hanging curve ball.

Nathan: Parker, I need my assistant now.
Sophie: Yeah, about that, how come Parker gets to be the assistant?
Hardison: How come Nate gets to be the magician? I do card tricks, too, I do great card tricks.
Sophie: Yeah, exactly, that’s what I was just saying.
Nathan: Can we talk about this later?
Eliot: Does anybody want to do my job? I get punched and kicked.

(Hardison’s been slammed into the ceiling of the elevator by the zip line attached to his belt)
Eliot: Oh, look at that, I could’ve just hooked it to the rail. My bad.
Hardison: How’m I supposed to get down?
(Parker releases zip line, Hardison falls to floor of elevator)
Eliot: Really, you didn’t see that coming, man?
Hardison: Not funny. Not funny.

Eliot: How long is this gonna take?
Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants, so do not take that tone with me.

Eliot: You can do that?
Hardison: Oh, you’d be surprised at what I can do.

Hardison: What I say? That’s a low tech hack, right here. That’s a piece of cake. (Joyful expression changes as red light scans his face) There may also be a retinal scanner.
Nathan: Retinas? How’m I gonna get his retinas?
Sophie: Well, a proper assistant would know the answer to that.

Hardison: Uh oh.
(Cut to Eliot in elevator)
Eliot: Uh oh, what do you mean, uh oh?
(Elevator doors open to reveal security guard)
Security Guard: Step out of the elevator.
Eliot: Oh, that uh oh.

Hardison (to Erik Casten): Was all that necessary, man, I got asthmatic tendencies.

(Hardison is showing Parker card tricks)
Hardison: And your queen should be . . . right here.
(Reveals 7 of clubs)
Parker (holds up queen): Stole it.
Hardison: You can’t do that.

The Fairy Godparents Job

Alec Hardison: [Talking about his metal detector cell phone] Are you listening to me?
Eliot Spencer: Yeah, you're explaining to me why you're still a virgin.

Parker (to Nurse Kay): It’s okay, we all do stupid things sometimes.

Nathan: What have we got on the kid?
Hardison: Widmark Fowler, age 10. No arrests, no outstanding warrants . . .
Nathan: Hardison.
Hardison: He’s allergic to strawberries.
(Parker laughs)

Agent Todd McSweeten: Imagine having her for a partner. (Sees Taggert looking at him) What?
Agent Taggert: You want to see other partners?
McSweeten: Well, I didn’t say that.
Taggert: Yeah, fine, fine.
McSweeten: That’s not what I meant.

Nathan: Let me just get this straight. All right, you two couldn’t rig a gym class and a spelling bee, and you two, you run into the only FBI agents who recognize you?

Hardison (after seeing Parker’s drawing of the hit man): Wow, I didn’t know you could do that.
Parker: I thought everybody could do that.

Nathan: Could you just please try to maybe not make this so difficult.
Sophie: I can’t take you seriously with that dead cat on your head.
Nathan: Eliot had trouble adjusting, all right, but he found a way to make his style work in this setting, so . . .
(Cut to Eliot teaching some type of martial arts)
Eliot (gets in stance, to students): All right, come at me.
(Students rush him and he goes down under a dog pile)

McSweeten (to Parker): That one’s actually mine. I just had my lips on that. I just, like, gave you a coffee kiss.

Hardison (via comms): How much time do I have left, Parker?
McSweeten: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Parker: I believe that when you meet someone you have 30 seconds before the bells and whistles go off. Don’t be afraid to override feelings, don’t be blue.
Parker (to Hardison via comms while apparently conversing with McSweeten): You just have to cut loose, output your feelings, snip that blue mood in the . . .

McSweeten: It sure is taking them a long time to get everyone in there.
Parker: Yes! A lot longer that I thought.
Hardison (via comms): Excuse, excuse me for interrupting prom night with my annoying felony burglary.

Hardison: Hahaha! Yeah! Hacking, rappelling, whatever. Put me in a dress, I can do all y’all’s job.

Eliot (to hit man): Yo, what’s up?
Sophie (to Eliot during fight): Shh! (Cut to Widmark singing, cut back to Eliot fighting) Keep it off the stage, you’re gonna ruin his big finale!

The Two Live Crew Job

Nate: Friend of yours?
Sophie: Well, If by that you mean murderous, treacherous backstabber, than yes.
Nate: Yeah, I thought so. Seemed like your type

Alec Hardison: You were scared to fight a girl.
Eliot Spencer: She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison
Alec Hardison: I don't care.
Eliot Spencer: Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop. It's a funny story, actually. She broke the mop and took...
Alec Hardison: Eliot, Eliot.

Alec Hardison: Chaos, I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.
Colin Mason: Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.

Nathan Ford: If you know about us, then you would know to get out of my city.
Marcus Stark: It's still your  Marcus Stark: It's still your city Nate. I'm... I'm just gonna take her out for one night of cheap fun.
I'll get her back to you in the morning.

Parker: Is that C-4?
Sophie Devereaux: Oh! Parker... please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb.

Sophie Devereaux: So this is what you do, right? You take... you take footage of us on cons and you... you... you download it into that?
Alec Hardison: eah, I analyze it, I monitor comms, I scan for all police frequencies, I... you had no idea I do all this, did you? Does nobody respect the van? The van is important! What... what is that?
Sophie Devereaux: It's lemon-zest tea. I gotta tell you, it's... it's a little bit... it's a little bit wiffy in here.
Alec Hardison: It smells like hard work, that's what it smells like!

Sophie: All right, everybody get out of here right now.
Nate: I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna stay with Sophie, all right?
Hardison: We're not leaving you, Sophie.
Sophie: Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but just...if you don't get out of here now, then...then I'm going to kill you myself when this over.

Nate: Okay, now, we know Starke. This guy goes by the name Apollo. I've chased him a couple of times--infiltration, physical security.
Parker: People in that line of high-risk work tend to be very unstable. We can use that. Write that down.

Hardison: Now this here's Colin Mason. Otherwise known by his hacker name as "Chaos." As...whatever. Hacked the Pentagon, the NSA. The CIA computer guys call him the Kobayashi Maru.
Eliot: What the hell is that?
Hardison: None of y'all got that? Seriously?
Parker: Star Trek.
Hardison: Thank you.

: (to Sophie) Are you saying that you saw other teams before us?
Parker: Or really just another Nate before Nate.
Eliot: (to Nate) Let me ask you a question. What bugs you more, is it the fact that he was with Sophie first or that he outsmarted you?

Sophie: That was some nice things you said at my funeral.
Hardison: Well, we trust Nate to make sure the plan works, we trust you to make sure we're all okay.

The Ice Man Job

Parker: There's no way Hardison's gonna be able to break into that vault.
Hardison: What is Hardison gonna do?
Nate: Hardison's gonna pretend to break into the vault.
Eliot: Yeah well, hopefully the Russians will only pretend to kill him!

The Maltese Falcon Job

: Sterling?
Sterling: Yes, like the machine gun, not the engine.

Eliot: But I need you to do your job.
Nate: And what's that?
Parker: Be Nathan Ford. Be the person we came back for

Tara: So, no chance of just going in and trusting the fake IDs, huh?
Parker: Don't worry, no one's ever died going in through an air duct.
Tara: That's comforting.
Parker: In worst case, you slip and fall, break your legs... lay there for days, scratching on the metal. It's like a long metal coffin... with wind. Let's go!

Culpepper: They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces. And put them in a bathtub--Into a hotel bathtub!
Kadjic: Is this true?
Nate: To be fair, he did most of the cutting.
Eliot: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Nate: You work hard.

Agent Bob: Who the hell is this guy?
Sterling: I don't know.
Nate: My name's Nate Ford. And I am a thief.

The Jailhouse Job

Sophie [pointing at drink]: So how's that going for you?
Nate: Thanks for asking. Good, what I realized is that I tried being a drunk honest man, a sober thief. So I am going to try being a drunk thief. Try that for a little while,

Hardison: See, I like this. I like it when we pretend to kiss.
Parker: Prented??
Hardison [grins]: Heeeeey

Nate: Guys, I committed a crime, I got caught and now I am going to server my time.
Sophie: Nate, what kind of world would it be if everyone who committed a silly little crime went to jail? Complete madness!

Nate: And if I fail?
The Italian: You come stay in my prison in Rome. Thick walls a thousand years old, and we still use chains for such a bad man.
Nate: What about my team?
The Italian: They lead dangerous lives. Thieves die all the time.
Nate: Now that you should not have said.
The Italian: I don't know, you seem highly motivated

Billy: You stabbed me.
Nate: Come on, just a little. It's fine.

Nate: I hope Sophie has more luck with the warden.
Parker: Who's Sophie?
Hardison: You remember, we're not supposed to use her real name with, uh...
Parker: Right. Nate hasn't earned it yet. Forgot. Sophie. So-phie. So-o-o-phie. Sophie. S-S-S-sophie. Sophie

The Reunion Job

Nate: Whoa , whoa, whoa, you locked me in a closet and now you're trying to kill my friend doucherman over here. I am starting not to like you.
Nikki: They only paid me to deliver one body, get out of my way.
Nate: Just wait 3 seconds.
Nikki: Why?
Nate: That's why. (Parker hits her with a tazer from behind)

Nate: What are you lurking??
Eliot: Yeah. I'm a lurker, that's my thing.

Parker: For a den of evil spies, this place smells delicious. Hardison, confiscate some pastries.

Eliot: Nobody else thinks it's weird that you can just buy anybody's yearbook online?
Hardison: You know, it's cute, man, how you still believe in privacy.

Eliot: Getting bullied in high school is no excuse for propping up dictators. Take Hardison. He got bullied his whole high-school career. He's not criminal
Sophie: Um...
Parker: Yeah, he is.
Sophie: Don't think about that.
Eliot: Not a bad criminal.
Hardison: Hey, what makes you think I got bullied in high school?
Eliot: Well, "A," you got a Green Hornet doll.
Hardison: First, it's a limited edition action figure. Second it is Green Lantern.
Eliot: Wow.
Hardison: Educate yourself. Now pay attention.

Parker: Hey. Nate just gave his passwords.
Hardison: No, but I got all his passwords. You want to see his Netflix queue? He's got like every season of Rockford Files... every season of Sex and the City, that show, Psych.

The Inside Job

Parker: It's not an ASCII code it's a shell code.
Eliot: That's great! You're Awesome! Let's go!

Sophie to Nate: I should of had you cook me breakfast a long time ago.

Parker: A laser tripwire in a ventilation shaft? REALLY? …I’m in trouble.

Sophie: Someone explain to me, what the hell is a Steranko?
Hardison: Steranko's the toughest security system in the world, in the universe, in the multiverse, whatever.
Eliot: How do you not know this?
Sophie: I am a grifter. If I'm doing my job right then the mark just, click, turns off the alarm for me.

Sophie: Well, quiet and sneaky is fine if you're thinking like a thief. Thieves find entrances, but grifters...mhm mhm...we make them

Nate: Are we ever gonna talk about that kiss?
Sophie: Kiss?
Nate: Yeah.
Sophie: Oh, I don't remember a kiss. I remember a slap.
Nate: Mm.
Sophie: You're still working off the slap.

Parker: What's "sexting"?
Eliot: I'm not having this conversation with you, Parker

The Scheherazade Job
Hardison: Hypnotism Nate? You do that to a mark, not you team.
Nate: Actually it's exactly what you do to your team. You push whatever button you need, to get the job done.

Hardison: I am the Super-Skrull. Okay? I have all y'all's skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.
Eliot: Do you fight?
Hardison: I have a dog for that. Name's Megabite.

Eliot: That's nice, make him--make him look drunker. And then richer.
Hardison: What you want me to do, give the man a pet tiger?
Eliot: Can you do that?

Hardison: You know I played violin until I was 14? I was pretty good, too. I never thought it'd help me in a con.
Nate: Well, why'd you give it up?
Hardison: I discovered computers, man. Turns out you can't see naked pictures of girls on a violin.

Hardison: Nate, you know, I was serious about what I said--about running my own crew some day. So, what's this thing that you think I'm missing? What, is it, like, uh, uh, thriftiness, or, like, friendliness or big-picture thinking, or...aloofne...what? (Nate ignores him) Rudeness?

Hardison: Y-you know what you've done? You asked me to play the violin in front of people.
Nate: Yes, well, you said you were good.
Hardison: As a child. That was 10 years ago.
Nate: Oh, come on, come on, Hardison. Listen, you know, told me you could do anything. You told me you were Super-Skull!
Hardison: "Skrull." "Skrull." Get it right. Super... Super... Super-Skrull. who has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four. One of whom is not Itzhak Perlman

The Italian: Mr. Ford, in the service of good, sometimes we have to deal with bad people and do bad things.
Nate: Really? 'Cause I work with a bunch of bad guys who are more honorable than you'll ever be.

The Double Blind Job

Nate: Since when do you question me?
Sophie: Since you went off the rails, and we had to pull you out of jail and ended up getting blackmailed, thank you very much.
Nate: Fair enough.

Man [flashing badge]: FBI sir, that young lady is in our custody.

Hardison: Aw see you made two mistakes. First, you flashed that fake-ass FBI badge at me. Second, you spilt his coffee (points at Eliot).

Parker: So the thing is, I think that maybe I might be having feelings, like weird feelings, for...pretzels.

Hardison: Well, they're right here, when you want them.

Parker: I have great drugs. Do you want some?

Jennifer Pearson: You know, I've dated a lot of you drug company guys. You're nice, you're handsome, married to the job. I really enjoyed our time together, I'm just looking for someone who's a little less settled.
Eliot: Well, I'm...
Jennifer Pearson: It's not a criticism. You are a great guy. I'm just not looking for someone who sits behind a desk all day. I want someone who travels the world and takes risks, somebody a little more dangerous.
Eliot: Right.

Hardison: Little Jennifer Pearson's wearing you out, ain't she?
Eliot: Dude, we walked the Freedom Trail twice.
Hardison: Nice.
Eliot: No, man, the actual Freedom Trail. We took paddle boats to the public garden, shopped on Newbury Street, I went to something called to Boston Duck Tour.

Nate: Where's Eliot?
Hardison: Oh, he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it. And some blood and some teeth.

Eliot: Door's locked and nobody's answering.
Nate: All right, well, see if you can break in, but be subtle.
Eliot: Yeah, yeah. (smashes in the door)
Nate: Not subtle

Trina: Go ahead, introduce yourself, and then introduce Vioplex.
Parker: Dr. Nesson.
Trina: And remember to smile.
Parker: Heh. Dr. Nesson, I'm Laurie. I've got great drugs. Do you want some?
Trina: O-okay, good? Uh, but let's try to elaborate on Vioplex a little more. Okay? Okay, go ahead.
Parker: All right. I love Vioplex. It makes me happy, and not hungry, and you sleep better. Do you want some?
Trina: Um, Vioplex is actually pain medication, not an anti-depressant or sleep aid or a diet pill.

Sophie: Look, you still run this crew. But you're a thief now, just like me. And that means I can call you out any time I think you're out of control.
Nate: And if I say no?
Sophie: I'll walk. And remember, Nate--I'm the only one that actually likes you.

Hardison: Yo, the information I got from Hoffman's office confirms that he's still got vials of HT1 in PallaGen's storage. Thing is, the vials are stored in a case amongst hundred of other cases in one of ten storage facilities. Now, if I do my math, that means this case was...
Eliot: It's gonna be hard to find!
Hardison: I believe I was making that point.

Sophie: You do realize that that stunt you pulled defines "out of control."
Nate: Well, you know, I just wanted you to see that I would never put any of you at risk if I wasn't willing to take the same chances myself.
Sophie: I love how you think that's comforting